(Minghui.org) I am a junior in data science at Fei Tian College Middletown. Today I would like to briefly share my experience before and after going to college.
Coming to Fei Tian College
Before coming to Fei Tian College, I was a dance student at Northern Academy of the Arts. As a senior, I was not much taller than I had been when I was in the sixth grade. Besides my height, I did not meet any of a dancer’s requirements for technique, flexibility, tumbling, or even movements. I gave up taking violin lessons in seventh grade, so I knew my chances of making it into Fei Tian College were slim. Just like everyone else, I wanted to attend a prestigious everyday people’s college. The reason I transferred high schools from Fei Tian in Taiwan to Northern Academy in the United States was because I wanted a backup plan to attend a U.S. college.
Although I wanted to get into a prestigious college, my grades were not as good as they needed to be. After so many years in Taiwan, my English had regressed quite a bit. In addition, when I was in Taiwan’s Fei Tian Academy, I paid little attention to my academic subjects, so I didn’t have a good foundation [for learning difficult courses]. I applied to six or seven universities with my average grades and test scores and was accepted to only three colleges, one of which was Fei Tian College. The other two universities offered very attractive scholarships, and I only needed a few thousand dollars to cover my housing and tuition. One even offered an honors degree. Although these universities were only considered moderate or upper-middle level universities, compared to my understanding of Fei Tian, they at least seemed to be more secure options.
At that time, I was staying with a college professor who had been asking me since high school if I would go to Fei Tian. On our way home, he often shared his views and insights with me. For example, he said, “Fei Tian is a school Master started, which means it is a project. If you learn well in school, it is another way to validate the Fa.” He also mentioned how everyday people’s schools were so chaotic, and students were often involved with drug use, casual sex, etc. “Why would you want to go to a college devoid of prestige?” He also noted that Fei Tian College was very small, so the teachers would be able to give more one-on-one guidance and help compared to other colleges. He provided a lot of very convincing reasons, and I agreed with most of what he said. However, when I had to choose, I was still indecisive.
First, I asked myself what the purpose of going to college was. In my opinion, college was just to learn some information, prepare for work, and make some friends—that was about it. From that point of view, because I had no experience with college, I retained some doubts about the teaching ability of Fei Tian. I doubted that I would be able to find a good job with Fei Tian’s level of recognition and reputation in society. And I already knew many of the students there, so wouldn’t it be a little boring? But no matter what the purpose of college was, I asked myself: “What is the most important thing in my life?”
Master said,
“I can tell you this: what you do to achieve some personal goals of yours and satisfy your own interests and desires are attachments, whereas the things you do for the public, for the common good, for others, or in trying to do a good job at work and school, are what you should do.” (“Teaching the Fa and Answering Questions in Guangzhou,” Explaining the Teachings of Zhuan Falun)
I know it’s not an attachment to want a good job, but it’s true that I was a little attached to the top schools. Deep down, though, I know that there is nothing more important than cultivation and doing the three things well. I read online interviews with students from top schools. Some universities hold so-called nude running (running naked) activities, and other schools hold activities that are not in line with traditional moral values. There wasn’t a very good reason for me to go to those places. But then again, even if I went to those schools, it didn’t mean I would have to participate in their activities. And isn’t the establishment of a Falun Dafa Club at a university also an opportunity to validate the Fa? These kinds of conversations unfolded in my mind, and my confusion grew by the day.
Although I tried to evaluate the reasons with the Fa, I was still not sure about this decision. Eventually, as the deadlines approached, I decided to go to Fei Tian College using my intuition as my support and my wish for a good cultivation environment in college as a reason.
But then a problem arose, because my mom was the one paying for college. At first, she wouldn’t change her mind, no matter what I said. Over the course of a few weeks, we had three conversations on the phone that all ended in arguments, with no consensus reached. At the time, I thought my views and reasoning were pretty clear, so I didn’t understand why she was like that.
When things were at a standstill, I knew I should look inward. In fact, cultivation is and always will be my own business, and no one else can replace my cultivation or force it. Even though the cultivation environment may have some influence on a person, a piece of gold will always remain gold wherever it goes. I wanted to use the cultivation environment at Fei Tian College to cover up my poor cultivation and take shortcuts in cultivation. If my starting point was not right, then of course there would be problems. After realizing this, I tried to let go of the worry that I would not be able to cultivate well in a less strict environment.
I knew that I should not be obsessed with where I was going. Rather, after making my views clear to my parents, I should listen to all the arrangements made by Master and go with the flow. Even if I thought I was doing the right thing, I should still communicate peacefully and rationally.
I know that when I expressed my views to my mother, I did not do so with selfless compassion. I viewed things only from my own perspective and didn’t consider my mother’s concerns about the cost. After looking inward, I let go of most of my worries and concerns. Sure enough, things took a turn for the better.
The fourth time we spoke on the phone, my mother told me that she’d had a dream the night before, the details of which I can’t remember now, but she then calmly agreed to my decision to attend Fei Tian College.
Looking back over this process, I think the most important thing was not the result but the process.
I learned from this incident that no matter how absolutely correct one’s perspective seems, no matter how convincing one’s reasoning is, and no matter how much one is misunderstood by others, one should always express oneself with kindness and compassion. If the other person does not listen to us or even misinterprets us to the point where we argue or start a fight, we should still first look inward to see if there is something wrong with us. If we don’t have a problem, then have our hearts moved during the process?
We need to let go and take notice of even 0.001 percent of an attachment or a hint of selfishness. Only if our hearts do not move when faced with misunderstandings can we qualify as having passed the xinxing test.
Dependence on the Environment
When I was younger, I occasionally heard rumors that a certain young fellow practitioner had stopped practicing and had turned bad. I would wonder if I would grow up to become like them and stop practicing or become worse than everyday people. In the past, I was able to keep my cultivation status at a relatively acceptable standard. But after going to college, I realized that my previous cultivation was not solid at all.
One’s cultivation status is not for show and nor is it a show put on due to external pressure, circumstances, etc. I discovered that after I left the group cultivation environment, my cultivation state was very poor. Every hour in high school felt like it was scheduled, and I just had to do repetitive things like the parts of a machine. Now that I was in college, I had less class time, but my homework had gotten harder and often took longer. Apart from class time, how I arranged and balanced my studies, Dafa projects, cultivation, and many other aspects became a big test for me.
I was doing a terrible job in terms of time management, and in many cases I did not put the three things as a priority. It puzzled me that I wanted to do well, but I would always get off schedule and waste time. I tried to look inward to find out why, and I understood that the cultivation state I used to display was sometimes a result of my attachment to face. Maybe I didn’t mean to make everyone think that I was being super diligent, but I also didn’t want people to see me as a practitioner who was not diligent, because I feared that they would think negatively of me. That was selfish and not true cultivation; it was cultivation for others.
Additionally, I don’t have to follow a strict schedule in college. As a result, I would often waste time sleeping or surfing the Internet. My hidden attachment to comfort was exposed, which seriously affected my ability to do the three things well and sometimes even other aspects of cultivation or life. For example, I sometimes put off my homework until the last day or seldom cleaned my living space.
Before I went to college, I didn’t have my own smartphone or computer and at most all I used was the school-regulated Chromebook. Now I could browse everything on the Internet, anytime, anywhere, and without any restrictions.
Once I start watching videos online, I would watch for a long time and I would watch everything. My brain was increasingly filled with more and more everyday people’s things. This subtly affected my sending righteous thoughts, Fa study, and doing the exercises as it became more difficult to have a clear mind. I would often look at my phone before I went to bed, no matter how busy my day was, even if I had unfinished projects or assignments.
All of these were problems on the surface. If I truly wanted to solve the problem, I couldn’t just treat the symptoms and not the disease. At first I thought that simply doing more Fa study and sending more righteous thoughts would solve the problem, but I could only temporarily maintain a better cultivation state. Whenever I couldn’t spend as much time on Fa study or sending righteous thoughts for various reasons, it seemed like there was nothing I could do. Sometimes I had thoughts about not wanting to study the Fa, and even though I wanted to use righteous thoughts to negate them, it didn’t always work and I didn’t know where I was stuck.
My personal understanding is that righteous thoughts come from a solid foundation of Fa study, so the reason I didn’t have positive thoughts to break through was because I didn’t truly obtain the Fa. After looking within, I concluded that, in addition to the insufficient amount of Fa study, there were two other factors. The first was that I had too many everyday people’s things in my mind, which distracted me during Fa study.
The second reason had to do with my motivation for cultivation. If I have impure thoughts and intentions when I study the Fa, the Gods and Buddhas will not reveal the contents of the Fa to me.
We may all have different perceptions of why we should study the Fa, such as: studying the Fa is an integral part of cultivation, or studying the Fa is one of the three things Master wants us to do, or studying the Fa is the only way to maintain our cultivation status so we can save people. But when I tried to ask myself why I wanted to study the Fa, I found that the answers I gave were very superficial. In reality, I did not even know why I was studying the Fa. So I then asked myself, “Why do I want to practice? What is the reason I want to practice?”
Learning to Genuinely Cultivate
When I was a child, I just followed my parents and went through the formalities, and most likely I didn't understand what I was doing. Later, when I felt lost in everyday people’s society and wanted to change my situation, I became willing to cultivate. From this perspective, I have not changed my fundamental reasons for wanting to practice. I was only practicing to gain benefits and improve my morals. I just wanted to be a good person, to get rid of my shortcomings so that others could accept me and not hate me. I just wanted to have a purpose for living, and I came to Dafa with an impure heart, so I didn’t get anything at all.
If I understand that my fundamental purpose for cultivation is inappropriate, what should be my purpose? I could give what I call a standard answer, such as the purpose of cultivation practice is to return our true selves and to save sentient beings while assisting Master in Fa-rectification. But I can’t just change my mind by saying it. How could I change my fundamental purpose for cultivating?
After talking with a practitioner who is around my age, he also expressed his confusion in this regard. Then, one day when I was studying the Fa, I suddenly understood. I realized that practice is not about forcibly changing our minds to let go, nor is it just about stubbornly eliminating bad thoughts, thought karma, or notions. It is about looking inward and finding the root of the problem, the original motivation, the cause of the other attachments, and then letting go of the fundamental attachment. I don’t need to think of alternative motivations for cultivation and force myself to believe in them, because that would be fake. Furthermore, I can’t force myself to believe in Master 100 percent of the time, because that wouldn’t be truthful. What I need is not a substitution, nor do I need to force any so-called “correct” answers upon myself. What I need to do is to let go of my incorrect cultivation motivations, my attachment to myself, and my attachment to other people’s thoughts and opinions about me.
Through looking inward, I’ve also come to understand why I could not change many of my problems and why I could not get rid of my attachments. I was only trying to control myself superficially, as if I were using the law to control my incorrect thoughts and behaviors one-by-one, instead of making real changes from the inside and truly letting go of those dirty things. Isn’t my so-called cultivation just another kind of law enforcement I enacted upon myself? In cultivation, we should not seek results. We should gain without pursuit.
Even after I understood all of this, there was still so much room for improvement in cultivation and in doing the three things consistently. Sometimes I can maintain a calm mind while studying the Fa, but often I can’t. I am embarrassed to say that I am far behind in both the quantity and quality of doing exercises and sending forth righteous thoughts. Sometimes, even when I do the three things, there are no results because I am just daydreaming. Occasionally, I feel that I can keep righteous thoughts while working on projects, but most of the time it’s like I’m doing a job as part of a routine.
Apart from these, there are still many small things I need to pay attention to, such as personal hygiene, time management, cultivation of speech, as well as various other aspects. I also have many attachments, such as the attachment to face, lust, work, and many others that I have not yet eliminated, so my understanding is limited and only for reference.
I hope that in the future I can work on removing those postnatal attachments that prevent the real me from continuing to improve in the Fa and to continue improving in cultivation so that I can be a true Dafa disciple during the Fa-rectification period.
If I have said anything improper, please kindly point it out.
(From 2023 Fei Tian College Middletown Falun Dafa Experience Sharing Conference)
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