(Minghui.org) After I began practicing Falun Dafa in August 1998, I felt happy, and unburdened, and also recovered from a host of ailments, such as rhinitis, pharyngitis, bronchitis, chronic atrophic gastritis, and neurosis (I was afraid of riding in vehicles, which caused nausea, vomiting, and extreme physical tension).
My son and his family live in another city. My husband and I saved our money for years, and we planned to buy an apartment in that city.
In the spring of 2024, however, my son and daughter-in-law asked us to help them buy an apartment in a desirable school district. My husband and I reluctantly abandoned our plans; instead, we covered the vast majority of the cost, allowing them to purchase the property outright. My son and his wife contributed a small fraction of the total price.
That September, I went to stay with them and help look after my grandchildren. I happened to overhear my daughter-in-law tell someone, “We own two properties; my in-laws don’t have a home here, so we’re letting them stay in one of ours.” I was shocked and deeply hurt when I heard this. While it was true that the title deed for the school-district apartment was in my son’s and daughter-in-law’s names, my husband and I paid the lion’s share of the purchase price.
Furthermore, the apartment they moved into a few years ago was purchased outright and renovated entirely with funds provided by my husband and me. Naturally, I had expected the property deed to bear both my husband’s and my names. Although they weren’t even engaged at the time, my daughter-in-law insisted that the deed be solely in her and my son’s names. Not wanting to put my son in a difficult position, we agreed to her terms, although the arrangement always left me feeling a bit uneasy.
Now they also had an apartment in a prime school district. When I heard my daughter-in-law make such comments to outsiders, who were not aware of the full story, really left a bitter taste in my mouth.
The matter kept churning over and over in my mind. I felt she shouldn’t have spoken that way. I often found myself secretly resolving to save up enough money so that my husband and I could buy a home of our own in that city with our names on the deed. For over a year, this thought kept surfacing, and it never struck me as wrong.
I’ve recently begun memorizing the Fa and studying the Fa with a calm mind, while also making an effort to read other practitioners’ sharing articles on the Minghui website. I began to reflect on my family situation. Master said, “For a cultivator, looking within is a magical tool.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2009 Washington, D.C. International Fa Conference”)
I looked inward, and asked myself why I encountered this situation. For Dafa practitioners, nothing we experience is coincidental. When we observe other people’s behavior we should reflect on ourselves and ask what attachment we need to eliminate. Why did I care so much about whether our names appeared on the property deeds for those two apartments? As we had paid the vast majority of the purchase price, I believed our names ought to be included. I felt entitled to a share of this real estate investment. I was afraid that if only their names were on the deeds, it would be as if the properties had nothing to do with us. We gave them almost all our savings, accumulated from a lifetime of hard work, and I felt a sense of injustice and grievance. I also felt that our son and daughter-in-law were not grateful.
When I looked inward I found a deeply hidden attachment regarding this matter—I had a fixation on financial gain. I failed to let things take their natural course, understanding that what is truly mine would not be lost, and what is not mine should be relinquished. I should not be disturbed.
Reflecting on my mindset, I realized I had this attachment for years, along with the notions that a portion of my own money should be spent on myself; and that any financial support given to others, even my own children or family, must not exceed the limits I set. I was trying to hold onto Buddhahood with one hand and worldly interests with the other—my attachment was accompanied by a desire to withhold something for myself.
Letting Go of Jealousy, Desire for Fame, and the Urge to Show Off
I also discovered I had a desire to be recognized. Even though neither my husband’s name nor my name appeared on the property deeds, I felt my daughter-in-law ought to at least be grateful and explain the true situation to others, specifically, that we paid the majority of the purchase price. This was a desire for recognition and to save face.
Digging deeper, I realized I was unable to let go of the fact that my daughter-in-law’s name was on the deeds for both properties. I harbored resentment and a sense of injustice, feeling that she hadn’t worked hard for years to earn the money, nor was she willing to look after her children or do housework, yet now she was reaping the rewards and owned two homes, without having contributed anything. This stemmed from feelings of resentment and jealousy.
In fact, my attachment to fame and gain showed up beyond the family environment. Although I am now retired, whenever I heard that a former colleague received a promotion or a higher professional title, I felt a twinge of bitterness and discomfort. I found myself thinking, “His professional ability is just average, or her ability isn’t even as good as mine!” Yet, there they were being promoted and given a senior title. I would start calculating, “How much will they earn now? How much more is that than my pension?” These thoughts left me feeling unsettled. When I calmed down and looked inward to examine myself, I asked myself why I felt bitter. Why did I keep making these comparisons? I realized it all stemmed from a strong attachment to money and personal gain, as well as a desire for fame and a sense of jealousy.
Conversely, when I learned that my pension was higher than that of relatives, friends, or acquaintances, I felt a sense of superiority and a desire to show off, which was also driven by the attachment to gain, a desire for fame, and jealousy.
I realized that these unrighteous thoughts all revolved around a strong sense of “self.” They all involve considering oneself first without regard for others, and they were selfish. When I compared my behavior with what Master taught, I realized my xinxing fell far short of the standards of Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance. I had to eliminate these filthy, self-serving attachments. I needed to consider others, view matters from their perspective, and become a truly good person who aligns with Dafa’s principles, just like Master says: “...so as to attain the righteous Enlightenment of selflessness and altruism.” (“Non-Omission in Buddha-Nature,” Essentials for Further Advancement)
Once I let go of these negative thoughts and attachments, I found my heart becoming light and open. When I help others, I no longer worry about personal gain or loss; instead, I can give freely and calmly, and let things take their natural course. I feel at peace when good things happen to others, I have no bitterness or envy, and I no longer place importance on fame and gain or harbor jealousy. It truly feels like a vast, open expanse, a completely different realm of being.
I reflected on why, over such a long period spanning many years, I remained so attached to such a trivial matter. I used to view material gain with indifference; why had I become so attached now? I saw the root cause was because I slacked off in my cultivation. I frequently got caught up in mundane affairs, such as checking my phone, online shopping, and focusing on my appearance. I failed to be diligent in my cultivation; I studied the Fa infrequently and could not manage to study with a calm, focused mind.
When sending forth righteous thoughts, my mind was in turmoil, filled with wandering thoughts. My participation in truth-clarification projects sometimes became a mere formality, a task to be checked off, rather than an act performed with a pure and sacred heart rooted in the Fa. I often alternated between periods of diligence and periods of being lax. This cycle kept repeating, and for a long time, I did not make a significant breakthrough.
Cultivation is like sailing against the current. If one does not advance, then one is falling back. As I slackened in studying the Fa, my xinxing gradually dropped, and I became increasingly like a non-practitioner, easily trapped in human thinking. What began as a tiny, overlooked attachment to self-interest grew unchecked, expanding without me noticing, until it eventually became a major attachment.
In the little time remaining we have to cultivate I must wake up and take Master’s solemn teachings to heart. I must never again be remiss or slack off. I will cultivate diligently, strive to do the three things well, fulfill my vows, and follow Master back to my true home.
