(Minghui.org) I was introduced to Falun Dafa by my boyfriend, who is now my husband. I was very depressed and unmotivated at the time, and was trapped in the past. Although everything looked good on the outside—I was near the end of medical school, had a nice boyfriend, and was physically healthy—inside I felt empty and didn’t want to get out of bed.
After he briefly told me about Falun Dafa, he said that he had put the video lectures on my laptop. A thought came to me that I should try to listen to them. I was surprised when I saw that Master sat and lectured the whole time. It was quite simple, and yet, as I listened, I wondered why it had never occurred to me before to think about life in the way Master discussed.
In particular, I was taken aback by the comparison of the rotation of the earth around the sun, and the rotation of electrons around the nucleus. A lot of the concepts were foreign to me since I came from a Christian family and had not learned about them at school. I later realized that this was an advantage, because I was not burdened by preconceptions of these terms from the perspective of Buddhism and the like.
After I completed the video lectures, I wanted to read Zhuan Falun. I really liked to read and I had two other books that I was planning to read. I put Zhuan Falun next to them. At first it was a struggle to decide which one to reach for, but in the end I returned the other two books to the public library without reading them.
A Profound Dream
I had a dream in my first months of cultivation, in which I heard Master speaking in Chinese and a female voice (the same as on the audio and video versions of the lectures) simultaneously translating his words into English. I was told that I would experience something, but that I should not be afraid because I would not be in any danger. I also saw rows of huge crabs and similar creatures coming, but they did not see me, and the same voice said that it was the army of evil. Then I woke up.
Several days passed, and I thought about that dream and how nothing had happened, but I knew I should not develop an attachment. I said to myself that Master was protecting me and there was no need to think about it further.
That day on my way to work, I was hit by a car in a pedestrian crossing. A man on the curb shouted, and the car, which was not going very fast, stopped. I turned to the man, saying I was fine, that everything was fine. As I was speaking, the driver took off. For a moment I thought it did not happen, but then I saw that my coat was dirty where I had been hit. I did not fall or lose my balance. It felt like the car only gently touched me. When I told my boyfriend, he said it reminded him of what Master said:
“All things like that come to take away one’s life. But one will not be endangered. The last time we held a class at Jilin University, a practitioner pushed his bike as he was going through the main entrance of Jilin University. As soon as he walked into the middle of the road, all of a sudden two cars sandwiched him. The cars almost hit him, but he was not scared at all. Normally, we are not frightened at all upon running into these things. At that very second, the cars stopped and nothing happened.” (Zhuan Falun)
More Backward Than Forward
I learned about Falun Dafa in 2011, and the following year I got married. When I began to study the Fa, I realized that I would have to let go of the attachment of romantic love. Reading Zhuan Falun the first time was a real struggle for me, and I thought that I could not let go of it.
As a child I was psychologically abused by my father and my classmates, both in primary and secondary school, so I had put all my hopes and dreams into finding a man who would make me happy, and feel loved. I fought with these emotions and said to myself that I would somehow prevail, that I just had to study the Fa.
I now realize that I then recognized the attachment, but hesitated to let it go. The consequence was that I increasingly complained to my husband that he should spend more time with me and less time on Dafa activities. I exerted enormous pressure on him and eventually he moved away from Dafa activities and, later, cultivation.
When I was pregnant, I suffered from severe nausea. In the beginning of my cultivation when I did the exercises, I often felt energy and would often cry. I would be so moved that tears would just start running down my face. But during my pregnancy, the nausea got worse when I exercised. I could not overcome it, and I stopped doing the exercises. I also gradually stopped studying the Fa. In my heart, I did not want to completely give up cultivation, but the difficulties were insurmountable for me. I still did a bit here and there, irregularly and with a sense of guilt.
I developed anemia during pregnancy and bled more than normal during childbirth, so my iron level was very low, indicating I needed a transfusion. Despite pressure from the doctor, I refused the transfusion, explaining that it was due to the health risks. Practitioners do not need treatment, but I was not diligent, so it took me a very long time to recover, and I could barely walk. I felt very weak and fatigued. I felt I was sinking, drowning, and I could not overcome it. I now realize that I took from the Fa what suited my own preference. I did not want to get sick, so I refused treatment, rather than it being an act of faith.
Master Is Always with Me
This situation, more backward than forward, lasted until I read Master's “Fa Teaching at the 2015 West Coast Fa Conference.” When I read it, it was like I had woken up. I became aware of what I had done, and promptly tried to return my husband and myself to true cultivation. It did not go well, but I knew I had to try to make up for the damage that I had caused.
We again joined group Fa study and activities. I admit I was a bit worried, but I did not allow myself to despair. I am trying to make good use of the time I have. Therefore, I am writing my first cultivation experience sharing. Master is always with me, and he took care of me even when I was slacking off in cultivation.
For example, last year I was given a specialization in public health medicine despite the fact that one doctor on the commission did everything in her power to stop it from happening, because she preferred another candidate. When I found out about it, I immediately remembered Master's Fa:
“If something is yours, you will not lose it. If something is not yours, you will not have it even if you fight for it. Of course, that is not absolute. If it were as absolute as that, there would not be the issue of committing wrongdoing. In other words, there are some unstable factors. But as a practitioner, you are in principle protected by Teacher’s fashen. Others cannot take away what is yours, even if they want to.” (Zhuan Falun)
This same doctor was assigned as my mentor, and at first she treated me very badly, but I constantly reminded myself that this was not accidental, and regarded it as an opportunity for me to improve my xinxing. At one point she just stopped this behavior, but one thing remained unchanged - she was still giving me tasks of questionable benefit from which I could not gain further knowledge.
The tasks were very simple, almost demeaning. It bothered me that I was getting paid so much for such insignificant work. I felt that I did not deserve it and that I was not acquiring the skills that I should have. For several months I tried to figure out what to do.
Master gave me a few hints. I decided to speak up, and mention it to the main mentor. I told her briefly that it was my responsibility to conscientiously acquire the knowledge my specialization required and that I could no longer keep quiet about the current situation in which I was not doing anything useful. I tried to talk without intent and not anticipate possible outcomes.
The main mentor said that we should go to the director. I repeated to him what I had said, and he decided to transfer me. Now I get assignments that will help me develop skills to work independently in my area of expertise.
Master said:
“If what you say truly comes from your kindness and is without any personal agenda, your words will really touch others.” (Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Singapore, 1998)
Vivid Dream
I recently had a very vivid dream in which I felt lost and depressed, and upset about what to do. I picked up the phone, without intending to call anyone, and thought of how I did not know what to do next or where to go. I then heard a voice on the phone, saying, “Yes, there remains the question of your final destination.” I immediately knew it was Master.
As soon as he said that, I thought to myself that I could not fool anyone. I know what I have to do. Master has clearly asked us to clarify the truth. The only thing I thought would make sense to say to Master was, “Thank you for protecting me.” Master mildly smiled and the conversation ended.
Everything in that dream was very vivid. I was then on a ship with practitioners and non-practitioners to whom we needed to clarify the truth. They did not want to provide food for practitioners. But one cook, a non-practitioner, gave us food.
We stood at the table and while I ate, the cook tried to tell me something. She began, “When the opportunity arises, we will talk about ...” and then she would stop because she was being watched. That happened multiple times. I was curious. Again she said, “When the opportunity arises, we will talk about …”
Others had already surrounded her by that point, trying to cover her mouth. I asked her, “What?” She mouthed, and I read her lips: “... clarifying the truth.” When I said it out loud, they grabbed her and covered her mouth. A man approached me and took me to detention. I cried bitterly all the way. I was extremely sad.
As we walked down the winding staircase, I had three thoughts. First, I thought that during the time I could speak freely about the persecution I did not, and now the situation had changed. Second, I thought there was very little time left and the difficulties were increasing. Third, I was very sad for the man who took part in persecuting me.
I was then even more tearful and immensely sad. The face of the man who led me had changed, from strict to gentle. He took off his white T-shirt that he was wearing under his black T-shirt and gave it to me to comfort me. “Stop Organ Harvesting” was written on it.
As I understand from the Fa, Master separates our cultivated sides so that they are not contaminated by our human sides. If we have let up in cultivation for some time, the part that has made the standard is intact. If you feel like you are drowning, as I felt, it does not apply to your cultivated side separated by Master, which is thus protected.
For example, if you did not send righteous thoughts for a long time or did not do the exercises or study the Fa, just go and do those things, and the cultivated side will help the non-cultivated side of your being. Do not think, for example, “I will not send righteous thoughts, because I first need to read more and do the exercises, and currently they are too weak…” and the like. Even if we don't feel up to it, it is important that we try to calm our minds and send righteous thoughts.
What I said about doing the three things is related to those who slacked off in cultivation and are now reluctant to start anew and trapped in regret and self-blame. Do you not see that this separates you further from the Fa? Do not let this happen. Master is always with us, waiting for us. We should not be attached to time and the past and what we have missed out on, but instead think about: “What am I missing out on now, at this moment? What will I miss out on tomorrow, the day after tomorrow ... if I stay in this state?”
Practitioners, if Master is giving us chance after chance, why don't we give ourselves a chance?
This is my limited understanding. Please kindly point out anything not in accordance with the Fa.
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Category: Returning to Cultivation
